The Rulings of the Condolence Visit, Preparing Food for the Bereaved, and Gathering at the Home of the Deceased
Regarding the condolence visit: it has no fixed time period. It may be three days, as the jurists say, it may be less, and it may be more. The time of the condolence visit begins from when one learns of the death — and this is what is established and preserved. When a Muslim learns of the death, the condolence visit is prescribed for him — contrary to the practice of people today, who only offer condolences after the burial. This restriction has no basis. The condolence visit may be before the burial and after the burial.
One may offer condolences in whatever wording he chooses — he may say: "May Allah reward you in your calamity and forgive your deceased," or he may say: "To Allah belongs what He took, and to Him belongs what He gave, and everything with Him is measured — be patient and seek reward from Allah." Or he may offer condolences in other words. The intent is consoling the bereaved — whether by mentioning a hadith to him, or admonishing him, or reminding him of Allah. The intent is to comfort him, reassure him, and inform him of what Allah Almighty has mentioned of the reward and recompense for those who are patient and seek reward. And it is not restricted to a time. Even after the third, fourth, or fifth day — whenever he sees that he has met this person, or was delayed, or was preoccupied, or was travelling and then comes and offers condolences — there is no problem with that.
When the jurists (may Allah have mercy on them) restricted the condolence visit to three days, they were not saying that the calamity is fresh within this time and that after it the sting of the calamity cools, such that condolences are not to be offered after three days. This is mere independent reasoning (ijtihad). Some scholars reversed this matter entirely — saying that after a while, sorrows are remembered again. And some jurists said: on the contrary, there is no grief left after three days, so after three days is even better. In any case, the established position is that one may offer condolences before burial and after burial with no set time limit.
As for the preparation of food for the family of the deceased: the Prophet ﷺ said: "Prepare food for the family of Ja'far, for something that preoccupies them has come to them." And this is a good hadith, used as evidence by those like him. The apparent import of the report is that food is prepared for the family of the deceased because something preoccupying has come to them — meaning: if they are not preoccupied, if there are people in the house who can serve and who have not been struck by the calamity, then there is no need to prepare food for them. Because people today have adopted food preparation as a custom — not because the bereaved are occupied, but as a matter of habit. Some houses are full of servants, and the household perhaps barely knows someone has died — and with all of that, they wait for food from others. This is wrong and has no basis.
Food preparation has become a competition — "We slaughtered four animals for them." "By Allah, if it were eight valleys." It has become rivalry, and this is wrong and pure nonsense. Because the hadith of the family of Ja'far carries the meaning: if something preoccupying has reached you, prepare food; if not, there is no need. Furthermore, the food is not to be provided for three full days as is the practice of people today — this has been carried too far. It should only be to the extent that the preoccupation leaves the bereaved. The Prophet ﷺ said: "for something that preoccupies them has come to them" — perhaps they are preoccupied at the time of the burial itself, but from the next day, what is it that preoccupies them? There is no need. A person should pay attention to this matter and not dismiss the issue of sending food entirely, because some people misunderstand the text. Today, with the availability of restaurants, one is able to provide food without it becoming a matter of social obligation or rivalry.
As for gathering at the home of the deceased for condolences: this is not prohibited at all, as long as there is no striking of cheeks, no tearing of garments, and no invoking the slogans of the people of ignorance (jahiliyya). The hadith of Jarir — "We used to consider gathering at the home of the deceased to be a form of wailing (niyaha)." — narrated by Ibn Majah and others, was criticised by Imam Ahmad (may Allah have mercy on him), as mentioned by Imam Abu Dawud in his Masa'il.
And in the two Sahihs, the hadith of az-Zuhri from 'Urwa from Aisha — that when someone from her family died and the women gathered for that, and they eventually dispersed until no one remained except her closest family — this is evidence for gathering at the time of condolence. Further evidence is what appears in al-Bukhari in a suspended (mu'allaq) narration: that a man came to 'Umar, the Commander of the Faithful (may Allah be pleased with him), and said: "The women are weeping over Abu Sulayman — stop them." So 'Umar (may Allah be pleased with him) said: "There is no problem with that, as long as there is no naqa' — meaning throwing dust onto one's head — or laqlaqah — meaning raising of voices." And this chain of narration is sound. The one referred to as "Abu Sulayman" is Khalid ibn al-Walid (may Allah be pleased with him and with all of them). So 'Umar (may Allah be pleased with him) approved the women's gathering. And the hadith of Aisha further suggests that the matter was well-established among the Companions (may Allah be pleased with them) and no one disapproved of it. And the hadith of Jarir — even if taken as sound — would appear to indicate that gathering is only prohibited when it is accompanied by something from the characteristics of the people of ignorance.